+0: You stay by her side the entire party
-2: You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy
-4: Named Tiffany
-6: Tiffany is a dancer
-8: Tiffany has implants


Saturday afternoons

+1: You visit her parents
+3: and actually make conversation
-3: and stare at the television
-6: and the television is off
-6: You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear
-10:And you didn't even go to college
-15: And it's not really your underwear


Her birthday

+0: You take her out to dinner
+1: and it's not a sports bar
-2: Okay, it is a sports bar
-3: And it's all-you-can-eat night
-10: It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team
+0: You give her a gift
-10: and it's a small appliance
+1: and it's not a small appliance
+2: and it isn't chocolate
+30: You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months
-10: You wait til the last minute and buy her a gift that day
-30: With her credit card
-40: And whatever you bought is two sizes too big


Thoughtfulness

-25: You forget to pick her up at the bus station
-35: Which is in Newark, New Jersey
-50: And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast


A night out with your pals

-9: You have a few beers
-2: For every beer after three
-12: And miss curfew by an hour
-20: You get home at 3 a.m.
-30: You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars
-40: And not wearing any pants
-200: Is that a tattoo?


A night out, just the two of you

+2: You go see a comic
-2: He's crude and sexist
-5: You laugh
-10: You laugh too much
-15: She's not laughing
-25: You laugh harder


Driving

-4: You lose the directions on a trip
-10: and end up getting lost
-15: in a bad part of town
-25: You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal
-60: She finds out you lied about having a black belt


Communication

+0: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression
+5: When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes
+10: You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper
-10: She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep


Simple duties

+5: You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings
-5: But return with beer
+0: You check out a suspicious noise at night
+0: and it's nothing
+5: and it's something
+10: You pummel it with a six iron
-10: It's her father